


Whiskey Lullaby

by lvtwilight09



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-18
Updated: 2012-07-30
Packaged: 2017-11-08 00:25:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 60
Words: 11,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvtwilight09/pseuds/lvtwilight09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
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    <a href="http://s1133.photobucket.com/albums/m592/lvtwilight09/?action=view&current=whiskeylullaby.jpg">
      <img/>
    </a>
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</div><p>Edward and Bella love each other beyond reason, but the demons from his past keep getting in the way. When Edward tries to save himself for Bella's sake, he may end up losing the one thing he can't live without.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before my story begins I must issue a warning. This is an ANGST story. It involves some particularly dark themes *hands everyone a flashlight so they can see their way through* I promise I will post warnings before any chapters that I think warrant them, otherwise…you’ve all been warned.

You’re yelling at me again.

It seems like all we do is fight anymore.

I don’t want to listen, don’t care what you have to say.

I take another swig from the bottle…just to piss you off.

You grab it from my hands and throw it into the wall.

My precious comfort now dripping on the floor.

You knew doing that would make me angry.

You always do something to set me off.

So I react…I scream, I throw things.

I think I even hit you, I can’t remember, everything’s a blur.

You run away crying.

Soon…everything fades to black. 


	2. Chapter 2

My head is pounding this morning as I wake up on the couch.

I vaguely remember our argument from the night before as I side step the broken bottle on the floor.

The dried whiskey has left the floor sticky.

I know I need to get ready for work but I’m afraid…

Afraid to walk into our bedroom and face whatever damage I might have done.

Finally I walk inside, only to see you putting on your makeup in the bathroom.

When you look at me I want to vomit.

Your left eye is swollen and bruised.

Your lip is split.

And I know that I’m to blame.


	3. Chapter 3

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“I know,” you reply.

You walk over to me, placing your hand gently on my cheek and hand me some aspirin.

You comfort me when I should be comforting you.

“I know you didn’t mean it.”

“I’m still sorry,” I murmur, ashamed of myself yet again.

“I know, but today’s a new day…time to start fresh.”

If only it were that simple.

If only it were that easy.

I wish we could get back to how we used to be.

We weren’t always like this.

I used to have my demons under control.


	4. Chapter 4

When we first met, I was instantly drawn to you.

You were the solitary light in my dark, dark world.

You knew I was broken, unfixable, and you loved me anyway.

You’ve never pushed for information about what torments me.

Even when I wake up screaming and in tears at night.

Even when I had a panic attack because you used certain words while we were making love.

You’ve stood by me, defended me, and put up with my bullshit.

You’ve never asked me to change, and you’ve always reminded me that you love me.

Why can’t I love you the way you deserve?

I don’t know why I even asked the question, I already know the answer.

It’s all because of what started back when I was twelve…


	5. Chapter 5

Just one day, that’s all I want.

One day where I don’t remember what I went through.

One day where the words don’t float through my mind.

One day where the emotions I try to keep hidden and locked away don’t manage to escape.

Maybe then I can be normal and not feel haunted.

Maybe then I won’t feel so dirty and worthless and used.

Fuck…I can feel my anxiety rising.

It’s too much already and it’s only eight am.

I wonder if the liquor store is open yet...I need to forget for a little while. 


	6. Chapter 6

By the middle of the afternoon I’ve already received the angry phone calls from everyone about Bella’s face.

My stepfather was the only one who didn’t berate me over it.

Everyone else acted like I purposely hurt her.

He asked me to get help again.

He doesn’t understand though.

To talk about the kinds of things that happened twenty years ago…to speak them to another person…there isn’t enough whiskey in the world for that.

I don’t think he finds it funny when I tell him I’m already getting help and he asks for my counselor’s name and I tell him Jack. 


	7. Chapter 7

I hear Carlisle sigh through the phone.

The sound is laced with his disappointment and it cuts me to the quick because I hate disappointing him.

He may only be my stepfather, but he was more of a father to me than my actual father ever was.

He’s been good to my mom.

She was alone for so long after she left my dad.

It took her forever to do it.

She wanted so badly to believe him, believe in him, that he was a good man.

It took me getting a sports physical my junior year of high school and the doctor seeing the marks, doing a full exam and threatening to call CPS for her to realize that it was my dad who had been lying the past four years.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is extremely dark. It mentions abuse and may be difficult for some people to read. It is however, one of the most important chapters to the story line as it explains why Whiskeyward is just so messed up. Also, this chapter and the next few that are in italics are all his flashback of what’s happened jsyk…

_When the doctor found the marks on my back he asked me what happened._

_I tried to play it off as just rough housing with the guys in gym, but the doctor didn’t buy it…especially when I winced because he merely brushed his hand over the bruises and welts._

_“Rough housing with your friends doesn’t leave bruises in the shape of a golf club,” the doctor told me._

_And I knew…from the way he looked at me, I knew…I finally had my chance to make it all stop._

_So I told him everything…_

_How my Uncle Alistair liked me a bit too much._

_How it started when I was twelve when he moved into our neighborhood and started hanging out at our house all the time._

_How at first he would “accidentally” walk in on me in the shower or while I was going to the bathroom._

_How one night when he stayed over because he was too tired to drive home, he “accidentally” came into my room._

_How over time he stopped just touching and started using his mouth and made me do the same._

_How he told me it was okay because all boys did it, but that it should still be our special secret._

_How eventually…it moved beyond just his mouth and hands and after those “special visits” I wouldn’t be able to sit down for days._

_And finally…I told him about when I tried to tell my dad about it…how my dad snapped and beat me senseless and how he hasn’t stopped beating me since._


	9. Chapter 9

_The rest of that day was one of the most humiliating times of my life._

_I was poked; prodded, photographed and videotaped…it was like I was being violated all over again._

_Mom broke down crying when I went over everything that I could remember about the past four years with the detectives, social workers, and psychologists._

_The police escorted us home so they could arrest my dad._

_Ten minutes after he was in handcuffs, my uncle was too._

_They both tried to deny everything, tried to claim I made it all up and that I was just a messed up kid._

_I thought everything was okay now that they were locked away…it wasn’t._


	10. Chapter 10

_I had never understood why my dad never believed me._

_At first when I told him about it, I spoke to him in private, too embarrassed to mention what was happening in front of my mother._

_He told me he’d talk to my uncle about it…that’s when the beatings started._

_He told me to keep my mouth shut, to stop lying before I caused big problems for the family._

_I just wanted it to stop, so the next time I tried to say something about it, I said something when Mom was around too._

_Dad played it off…told Mom I was lying, that I had been saying this stuff for a while now and that he looked into it and had proof I was lying._

_The way Mom looked at me; it’s as if she knew something wasn’t right._

_But she loved my father too much to ever say anything against him._

_She took his word for it, and yelled at me for lying about such things._

_Dad never hit me when she was around._

_He told me not to bother saying anything about it, since Mom already thought I was lying about Uncle Alistair, why would she believe that I was being beat by my dad._

_I knew he was right, especially since he was pretty good most of the time about hitting me in places that wouldn’t bruise easily, or if there was a bruise…it wouldn’t be easily seen._


	11. Chapter 11

_I finally got the answer to why my dad never believed me when the DA showed us the recording of my uncle and father’s police interviews._

_Both he and my uncle knew there was no way for them the beat the case so they agreed to take a plea deal, so the DA offered to show us the interview, hoping it would offer my mother and I the answers and closure we both desperately needed._

_We got answers alright…but they did nothing to help us move past this, it only made things worse._

_Turns out, my uncle had a thing for boys._

_It didn’t matter that he was married with two daughters, whom he claimed he loved dearly._

_He talked about how he would sometimes just see boys and have these urges…these desires that he needed to make them his and show them how much he loved them._

_After digging into my uncle’s past, the police found out that while I wasn’t his first._

_I was his last though._

_I was the sixth boy he felt the need to “love” and according to him...I was “the most special, the most loved” too. He apparently never took things as far with the other boys._

_As for my father…he had confronted my uncle about what I had said and he had believed me._

_But dear old dad had skeletons in his closet too…ones my uncle knew about._

_Dad was living a double life…._

_Cheating on my mom with more women than I could count._

_Married to another woman in the next county over._

_He even had a child with her._

_He used me as a bargaining chip._

_Made a deal with my uncle to let things continue as they were so long as Alistair didn’t say anything about Dad’s other life._

_The beatings were my dad’s way of trying to shut me up._

_His way of taking out his anger on me…because he saw me as the thing that could potentially destroy his carefully crafted lie of a life._

_And he just couldn’t let that happen._


	12. Chapter 12

_For all the answers those interview tapes gave, they also left me with more unanswered questions._

_Why me?_

_What was wrong with me for letting it go on so long?_

_Why didn’t I try to speak to a teacher or someone sooner?_

_Did I do something to make my uncle think I wanted him to touch me like that?_

_Why couldn’t my father love me enough to want to protect me when I was being hurt?_

_Why didn’t my father love me enough to not hurt me himself?_

_What did going through all of this mean about me…did it make me gay?_

_When will I stop feeling so dirty?_

_Maybe dad was right when he told me I was worthless and unlovable…maybe I did something somewhere along the line to deserve everything that had happened._

_So many overwhelming thoughts swirled in my head._

_Mom kept me out of school for a week after everything came out, she told the school I had come down with some sort of virus._

_When I went back to school I hoped and prayed that no one had found out what had happened._

_There wasn’t much news coverage, and since I was a minor, they kept much of the proceedings that were going on closed to protect my privacy._

_For all the hoping and wishing I did though…it only took two minutes that first day back to realize that once again, my prayers went unheard and unanswered._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’d just like to take a moment and say that things said by characters in this chapter are in no way things that I would ever say myself, nor is it my intention to offend anyone with my characters choice of words. I don’t agree with the name calling they engage in, I only write the story as it plays out in my mind.

_My cousins blamed me for ruining their family and taking their dad away._

_So they thought it would be a good idea to destroy what little scraps of a life I had left._

_They told everyone at school their own little twisted version of what happened._

_That I seduced my uncle and had been having sex with him for years._

_That I was, in their own words, “an incestuous, homo perv”._

_Needless to say, the gossip mill around the school manipulated the story so that by the time it finally got back to me, I could barely see any of the truth in it._

_My locker had vulgar words scrawled all over it._

_It took the janitor over an hour to clean it off._

_It didn’t do any good though, the words jut reappeared the next day._

_That afternoon…no one would go near me during soccer practice._

_Don’t even get me started on the tension in the locker room._

_By the end of the day, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die._

_As I was walking to my car that day a few of the guys from the team jumped me in the parking lot._

_As they kicked and punched me, they screamed at me how fags weren’t welcome on the team or at the school._

_Before they left, the team captain broke my leg._

_They made sure I’d never play soccer again and that I’d walk with a slight limp the rest of my life…just another daily reminder I’d been given of the shitty existence I was living._


	14. Chapter 14

_I couldn’t even call for help on my cell phone._

_It got shattered in the midst of the pummeling I received._

_Campus security found me about twenty minutes later._

_The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital after the surgery to repair my leg._

_Mom seemed to be on the verge of a mental breakdown._

_I didn’t know how much more she or I could take._

_Both she and the police wanted to know what had happened._

_I knew better than to open my mouth._

_All I said was that everyone at school found out about what happened with my dad and my uncle._

_After I was healed enough, Mom and I packed up, moved out of state, and I was enrolled in a private school…a place where no one knew about my past._

_She tried to get me to see a therapist, but just the thought of talking to anyone about what I had been through made me want to vomit, so I refused._

_She never pushed the issue further._

_Maybe she should have…maybe then I wouldn’t be the fucked up mess I am today._


	15. Chapter 15

My secretary knocks on my door and asks if I want her to bring me back lunch.

It’s then I realize just how long I lost myself in my memories.

I tell her to pick me something up from the deli because I have a few errands to run.

No need for her to know that running errands means picking up a new bottle and some Listerine to hide the alcohol on my breath.

Normally I try not to drink so much during the work day, but today the memories are more vivid than normal.

More real than they have been in a long time…

It’s like I can still feel my uncle’s hands on me, pushing me into the bed, his rotten breath against my neck as he pants and gasps for air after he finished.

As if I can still feel my father’s hand as he slapped and punched me, or the golf club crashing down across my spine and leaving the bruise that would bring everything crashing down.

The memories are crawling out of the corners of my brain and as they do I feel my anxiety and panic creeping up within me.

I need to get myself back under control, so I crack open the bottle, and as I said to Carlisle earlier, settle down for another therapy session with Jack.


	16. Chapter 16

As the afternoon wears on, I try to ease off the bottle.

It wouldn’t do for me to turn up at home again as drunk as I was last night.

I don’t want to fight again with Bella, especially not after what I did to her last night.

I make a mental note to pick up some flowers or something for Bella on my way home.

I need to make things right with her.

I just hope that when five o’clock rolls around I’m sober enough to remember.


	17. Chapter 17

The end of the day comes and I’ve somehow managed to not end up a stumbling drunk…yet.

I leave the office on somewhat wobbly legs and climb into my car.

Luck is on my side and I remember wanting to do something nice for Bella.

I stop at an antique jewelry shop and head inside.

There’s a necklace on display…a locket.

It’s perfect.

I tell the lady behind the counter that I’d like to buy it.

As she wraps it up, she points out the inscription inside the locket…it’s French.

 _“Plus que ma propre vie_ ” she says. “It means ‘More than my own life’”

It’s so appropriate for Bella and I.

I love her more than my own life.

How could I not when my life isn’t anything worth loving to begin with…


	18. Chapter 18

I park the car in our driveway and make sure I hide the extra bottle I picked up in my briefcase.

I’m more than certain that I’ll need it tonight.

The dreams will no doubt haunt me; make me wake up screaming, crying, and begging for help.

Bella’s gotten used to them by now…or as used to them as someone can get.

She’s also learned to not ask questions about them anymore.

She knows I won’t give her the answers she wants.

All I’ve told her is that they have to do with what happened to me when I was younger.

I’ve never been able to tell her anything more than that what happened involved my birth father and my uncle.

I can’t bring myself to tell her…to see the disgust and revulsion in her eyes if I did.

Telling her would mean tainting the one good, pure thing in my world…and if I did that…I’d have nothing left to live for.


	19. Chapter 19

I’m nervous walking into the house.

It’s quiet, but the familiar smell of my favorite dinner permeates the air.

I tense as I see you walk out of the kitchen and towards me.

The mottled blue and black that mars your face reminding me of the fact that I’m a failure, that I don’t deserve you.

“None of that,” you tell me, as if you can already read my mind. “You didn’t mean it, and its okay.”

My hand ghosts across the puffiness surrounding your eye, the gash on your lip.

I gently kiss you before offering the gift I purchased.

“It means ‘More than my own life’” I explain as you read the inscription.

“Oh Edward,” you whisper. “You don’t need to buy my love or my forgiveness. There is nothing to forgive and I love you…nothing will ever change that.”

“I love you too,” I whisper back to you. “I’m nothing without you Bella…nothing.”

You hug me tighter as I say those last few words, unaware of just how true they are.


	20. Chapter 20

Dinner is quiet, almost awkward for us.

It’s nothing unusual though, it’s always like this after a night like last night.

“Do you want to talk about any of it?”

And with that one question from you I completely freeze, barely able to grit out a “No” in response.

You think I don’t notice, but I see as you discretely try to wipe away the tear that is falling down your cheek.

I can’t take knowing how much my inability to control my demons hurts you, but instead of telling you, I slam my silverware down on the table and lock myself in our computer room with my bottle.

I open it and start chugging, desperate to drown out the flashbacks floating through my mind and your sobs that I can hear from down the hall.


	21. Chapter 21

A few hours and about two thirds of the bottle later, I stumble into the bedroom.

You're tucked under the blanket and I try to stay quiet as I undress and climb into bed.

As soon as I'm laying down, I feel your arms pull me into their embrace.

"I'm sorry," I murmur.

You're quiet for a moment before you say "I love you."

We just lay there for a little while.

Just when I think you've drifted off to sleep you break the silence.

"I don't know what you went through all those years ago Edward, and I understand that you can't talk to me about it…but maybe one day, you'll think about talking to someone else? A counselor or someone…you know how much I want us to start a family…but I just can't do that with you when you're like this."

I hear the crack in your voice as you try to keep your emotions under control.

I wish I could give you what you wanted, what you needed.

But I just can't…and I'm too afraid to tell you that.

So I tell you what I know will pacify you for now and answer with "Maybe" even though I know it will never happen.


	22. Chapter 22

The next few days are calm and routine.

My guilt eases as the bruising on your face fades away.

I go to work, drink while my office door is shut in an effort to forget the nightmares of the night before, and come home to you at the end of the day.

We spend quiet evenings together watching tv or just relaxing together.

And once you're getting ready for bed, I chug whatever remains in the bottom of the day's bottle, hoping that Jack will help to keep the monsters inside my head at bay…he never does.

You pretend not to notice the whiskey on my breath when I kiss you goodnight.

I pretend like I'm not a thirty two year old man who drinks himself stupid to try to keep from crying like a little girl most nights.


	23. Chapter 23

Everything has been calm these past few weeks.

The nightmares were calming back down to how they used to be.

So why did you have to go and drop this bomb on me today?

You're leaving me…alone.

"I have to go for work Edward," you explain. "I promise to be back as early as possible on Friday."

You're eyes plead with me to understand, to not make a big deal out of it.

But I can't help it.

Friday is _the_ day.

The anniversary of when the truth of everything came out.

You always know that I have trouble with that day.

And even if you don't know why, you've always been there for me.

The thing is…this year…it's twenty years.

This year…marks the first time my uncle will be up for parole.

It marks the reality that I might not be able to avoid talking about things anymore.

"Bella, please…isn't there someone else who can go? You know I need you here."

You shake your head no, and even though I know I should be understanding, I can't help but get a bit upset.

I'm your husband…shouldn't I be most important?

"Fine," I growl out. "Enjoy your trip."

I glare at you as I walk towards the computer room, a fresh bottle in my hand, my ears deaf to your pleas to understand and your begging for me to put the bottle down.


	24. Chapter 24

I wake up the next day to the shrill ringing of the phone.

The clock reads 9:43 am…clearly I overslept for work.

Answering the phone, I know I sound like death warmed over, so I use it to my advantage and call in sick for the entire week.

Taking in my surroundings I see that I passed out in the computer room last night.

From the smell of things, I drank too much too fast and got too drunk to find the bathroom because the scent of piss is radiating off of me.

As I struggle to wake up, I make my way to the bedroom, only to find a note from Bella on the bed.

Yet another reason I know I'm not good enough for her.

The note tells me that she's taken care of the laundry and made me enough meals for the week while she's away for work.

Then I remember why I was so upset about her traveling this week in the first place.

Climbing into the shower, I make a mental note to go to the store and stock up on enough Jack for the week because I want it to just pass me in a blur so I can forget it and move on.


	25. Chapter 25

I'm not sure what day it is.

I've sort of lost track of time.

I only go out when I need to pick up my good friend Jack.

All I know is Bella prepped enough food for me to have two meals a day for five days.

I've gone through most of it, so yeah…it's whatever day seven and a half meals is…I think.


	26. Chapter 26

Nothing makes sense.

My vision is blurry, and my speech is slurred as I try to chant along with the audience while watching episodes of Maury and Jerry Springer.

I have a fleeting moment of laughter when I realize my life is so fucked that I'd fit right in as a guest on either show.

Glancing around the first floor of the house, I notice the bottles and food container, clothes and newspapers strewn all over the place and up the stairs.

Heading upstairs to the bedroom, I can't help but think that it looks like a tornado went through here.

My clothes are everywhere, the clean and dirty together all over the floor.

The master bathroom isn't any better, dried puddles of my vomit leaving a splattered design all around the floor near the toilet and the counter by the sink.

I move back to the bedroom, resolving to try to somehow clean this up before Bella gets home.

I check my phone to see the date, hoping I have enough time to get the house back in order, and the date staring back at me is like a punch in the gut.

It's Friday…the one day I've been trying to avoid.

Suddenly cleaning up the house doesn't matter as much as finding a bottle that still has some of that precious amber liquid still in it.

Finally finding one, I say fuck it to cleaning the house, plop on the bed and resume drinking, praying I won't wake up until tomorrow.


	27. Chapter 27

The cold wetness of the water wakes me up.

I must have passed out.

You stand at the foot of the bed, an empty bucket in your hands.

You're yelling at me again.

You're angry about the house being a mess, about me not taking care of myself.

I don't want to listen, don't care what you have to say.

I take another swig from the bottle…just to piss you off.

You grab it from my hands and throw it into the wall.

My precious comfort now dripping on the floor.

You knew doing that would make me angry.

You always do something to set me off.

So I react…I scream, I throw things.

I get in your face and grab your wrist tight.

You start begging me to let you go because it hurts.

You wrench your arm free and run away crying.

I grab on again just as you reach the staircase.

We struggle as you scream at me to let you go so we can have time to cool down, so I can have time to sober up.

I refuse to let go, and as you fight me, you stumble backwards…just as I finally release my grip.

You careen down the stairs, rolling like a ball, a sickening crack of bone echoing through the air.

When you land at the bottom your leg is bent at an unnatural angle.

You look dazed as you try to sit up.

All I can think of is how happy I am that you've finally shut up and stopped yelling.

I pick a bottle off the floor and chug whatever is left in it as you struggle to get your cell phone out of your pants and call 911.

I head back to the bedroom, still nursing the almost empty bottle.

Soon…everything fades to black.


	28. Chapter 28

I wake up laying in a bed.

Only it isn't ours.

This one isn't soft like ours, and there is a beeping noise that won't stop.

Looking around, I take in my surroundings and realize I'm in a hospital bed.

You're in the other bed, your leg in a cast.

You look like you've been crying.

Carlisle and my mother are sitting in the chairs in the corner and look like they haven't slept in days.

I can hear your parents in the hallway talking.

I can't make out everything they're saying, just bits and pieces.

They say things like "finally coming to her senses" and "better late than never" and I don't understand what they are talking about.

You look at me and break down into tears.

"I'm sorry Baby," I tell you.

But this time…this time you don't tell me it's okay.

This time…you turn your head away and start crying even harder.


	29. Chapter 29

I'm surprised when we get home.

The house is spotless, no sign of the mess I made can be seen.

We spent three days in the hospital.

You filled me in on everything.

I've never felt like less of a man than now.

You told the police you just slipped and fell.

They didn't believe you, but you stuck to your story so there was nothing they could do.

I help you get settled on the couch before I go and put our bags away.

As soon as I get back to the living room you look at me…in a way you never have before.

It makes my heart drop into my stomach.

And my heart utterly stills when you say to me "We need to talk."


	30. Chapter 30

"I love you…beyond all realms of sanity," you tell me. "But it isn't healthy."

"I need more from you…I deserve more," you continue to say.

"I can't be you're punching bag anymore," you gasp out between the tears. "If things don't change, I'm afraid you'll kill me."

My heart is racing and as you continue to talk, all of your words blend together.

"Treatment…AA…bottom lines…consequences…counselors."

All of them words that pass your lips, all of them making me want to climb a wall.

How could you do this to me.

You always promised you'd never force me or back me into a corner.

I feel angry and trapped, and so I resort to what I know.

I lash out, scream, and yell.

I look for Jack but I can't find him anywhere.


	31. Chapter 31

"Edward, I need you to get help," you say, your voice pleading with me to agree. "We can't keep living like this."

I know I need help, but I still can't talk about everything, and I can't admit that to you…it would make me seem weak.

So I try denial.

"I don't need help Bella," I growl. "I'm handling things just fine."

You tell me that I'm not…that you're broken leg and my almost dying from alcohol poisoning is proof that I need help.

"Please Bella…don't…don't make me talk about that stuff with some stranger." I beg.

"There are three of us in this marriage when there should be two," you tell me. "I married _you_ Edward, not you and the goddamn Jack Daniels."

You're not giving in.

Usually you give in by this point and tell me we'll figure it all out together.

"I'm sorry Edward…but it's too much this time. If you won't get help…then you need to leave."


	32. Chapter 32

I want to think you don't mean it, but I know that tone and I know that look.

You're serious.

And now I know…I have nothing left.

I've ruined the one good, pure thing I had left in the world.

That knowledge alone kills my will to fight.

You're looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

There's nothing to say.

I grab my keys and my wallet and leave, once again, shutting the door behind me to drown out your sobs.


	33. Chapter 33

I have nowhere to go.

I'm too ashamed to go to Carlisle and Mom about this.

I don't know if they'd even be willing to help.

So I go to the one place I know I can wallow in my self pity without being bothered.

I spend my night and just about all of my money at the bar with Jack.

After last call, I make it into my car but I'm too far gone to get the key into the ignition.

I'm too tired to figure out how to make the car turn on so I say fuck it and just crawl into the back seat and sleep.


	34. Chapter 34

I'm startled awake by a knock on the car window.

Sitting up, I wipe away the drool that has dribbled down my chin.

I don't know how, but Carlisle has found me.

He gets into the car and once he finds the keys, he drives me to his house.

He tells me he and my mom know everything.

I want to get angry when he tells me that everyone knew Bella was going to confront me before we got home, but I just don't have the energy.

Once we get to his house, and I see my mother waiting for me in the doorway, I break down crying as she holds me in her arms.

I cry because I've been abused.

I cry because I've let the past rule my life.

I cry because I've managed to lose my wife…my one reason for still existing.

I cry because I don't know what to do now.


	35. Chapter 35

It takes the rest of the day and many fights and too many tears to count, but I've figured out what to do.

Carlisle and my mom have agreed to help.

I need to go away somewhere and work through all of the demons that haunt me.

And I know what I'll be doing tomorrow is going to kill me.

I'm not what she deserves, and I am beyond unworthy of her love.

She deserves a chance at true happiness.

I love Bella too much to keep hurting her, and so I'll let her go.


	36. Chapter 36

Carlisle told me you'd be going back to work today, so I waited until I knew you'd be gone before I went to the house.

As I move around our room, packing up my things, so many thoughts run through my mind.

I wish I could stop.

I know I need to learn.

Control myself, be better.

Talk to you instead of drinking my sorrows away.

It kills me every time I make you cry.

I hate myself every time I end up yelling at you when I'm really angry with myself.

Maybe it's better this way.

The note I leave for you with my wedding band and house key doesn't say much, and at the same time it says everything.

_Bella…_

_I love you._

_I'm sorry._

… _Edward_

I hope you'll move on.

Find someone who deserves your love.

Someone who doesn't hurt you every day.

I just wish it could be me.


	37. Chapter 37

Carlisle is waiting for me in the car.

Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to just run to the nearest bar because I need Jack.

Because he's the only way I know how to take the pain away.

I fight against the urge to run, tossing my bags into the trunk before climbing into the passenger seat.

Our drive to my next destination is quiet.

There isn't much to say.

Once we get there, Carlisle asks if I want him to walk me in.

I tell him no, that I need to do this on my own.

I watch him drive away before walking through the doors that read Meadows Recovery Center.

I walk up to the receptionist who's name tag reads Mrs. Cope.

My voice is shaky as I speak to her.

"Hi, my name is Edward. I'm an alcoholic, and I need to get help."


	38. Chapter 38

The first week is hell as I go through detox.

I don't care what the brochures say there is nothing serene or comfortable about this setting.

All I can think about is getting my hands on Jack again.

I'm grumpy and frustrated and not really wanting to be here.

But then I remember why I'm doing all of this.

I may have let Bella go, but I've also held on to hope.

Hope that maybe one day we could work things out.

Thinking of her is all it takes for me to try and make the best of this.


	39. Chapter 39

It's been a month.

Thirty days without taking a drink.

I don't know how great a thing it is because while I'm not drunk, I can't get rid of all the memories.

My therapist says I have PTSD.

He says I can get better…as long I put in the effort.

I do want to get better…for Bella.

So I can try and be the man she deserves.

I know there are no guarantees with her.

I haven't spoken to her since that day I walked out, and in my phone calls home, Mom and Carlisle never mention her, but then again, that was at the instruction of my treatment team…they say I need to focus on me right now.

I just hope that wherever she is and whatever she's doing…that she is happy.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, and the next several to follow will be in Bella's POV. I'll make another little announcement later when things switch back over to Edward.

I watch as you turn away, your keys and wallet in your hands.

I can't stop the tears as you walk out the door.

I was so sure you would stay.

That you would finally get help.

That you loved me enough to at least try.

I don't understand…why couldn't you just try?

I don't know where to go from here.

It' been you and me for so long…I don't think I can handle being on my own.

I walk over to the closet and pull out the bottle of Jack that I saw you hide there a few weeks ago.

I stare at it, unsure if I even want it.

I haven't drank at all in the nine years we've been married…not after what I've seen it do to you.

But this pain…this hurt…it just won't stop, and I need just a little something to help make it go away.

I crack the seal and pour some in a glass.

I take a sip…and then another…and then another…

Then…I refill the glass.


	41. Chapter 41

I wake up to my alarm clock going off.

A raging headache and a half empty bottle greet me as I start the day.

Instantly, I feel guilt wash over me.

I've done what I always yelled at you for…I should have been more understanding.

After a shower I head out to work, determined to keep my mind busy.

The last thing I need is to focus on how my personal life is falling apart.

By the end of the day I just want to get home so I can go straight to bed.

My hopes for that however are dashed when I find the note, key and ring sitting on the table.

It makes me realize that you took me seriously.

And it makes me realize that up until now, I was still hoping and praying that you would just come home so we could work this out.

Now I know you're not.

Suddenly, that second half of the bottle sitting on my nightstand is looking pretty good.

I head upstairs and change into pajamas before climbing into bed, the bottle in my hands.

I open the bottle and pour some in a glass.

I take a sip…and then another…and then another…

Then…I refill the glass.


	42. Chapter 42

A few days go by.

I don't hear from you.

Each day is getting harder to get through.

I never should have listened to my parents.

They didn't understand us.

They didn't get how you and I worked.

I shouldn't have pushed you because now I've lost you.

You're my everything, and now I have nothing.

Maybe I should talk with your parents.

Maybe they can help.

I have trouble sleeping at night.

I've started using your old tricks.

Just a glass or two before bed…to help me settle down.

It's become my routine.

I open the bottle and pour some in a glass.

I take a sip…and then another…and then another…

Then…I refill the glass.


	43. Chapter 43

Dinner with your mom and step dad is a quiet affair.

We make small talk.

We all avoid the elephant in the room.

At least until after we eat.

That's when we talk about things.

They knew you never told me.

They tell me how they wish you would have.

They're unsure if they should say anything to me about what happened to you.

Suddenly I feel nervous.

Whatever happened must have been really bad from how they're acting.

I head over to the liquor cabinet.

I need something to settle my nerves.

I open the bottle and pour some in a glass.

I take a sip…and then another…and then another…

Then…I refill the glass…twice.


	44. Chapter 44

I feel sick.

I feel horrible.

I feel like I should have been more understanding.

Your parents tell me everything.

About your uncle.

About your birth father.

About the kids at school.

They tell me how after the initial interviews with the police and social workers you were never able to talk about what happened.

I finally understand, as best I can anyway, why you relied so heavily on the bottle.

I also can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done to help you.

By the time I crawl into bed that night, my mind is swimming with thoughts; you're mother's words echoing like a memory I'm unable to forget.

I just need my brain to shut off for a while, to just let me be.

I crack the seal on my new bottle and pour some in a glass.

I take a sip…and then another…and then another…

Then…I refill the glass…twice.


	45. Chapter 45

It's been a month since Edward walked out.

My parents tell me I should move on…get divorced and start over.

But I can't just do that.

He owns my heart, he always will.

I'll love him 'til I die.

I still talk with his parents.

Other than the night they told me everything about his past, Esme and Carlisle never mention Edward.

The closest they come to talking about him is that they say they speak to him once a week.

I hate coming home to my empty house every night.

Edward's memory is everywhere I look.

Pictures of us from our wedding, honeymoon, and vacations.

They taunt me daily.

Remind me of what I've lost…what I willingly let slip through my fingers.

I just need my brain to shut off for a while, to just let me be.

I crack the seal on my new bottle and pour some in a glass.

I take a sip…and then another…and then another…

Then…I refill the glass…until a third of the bottle is gone.


	46. Chapter 46

Three months.

You walked away three months ago Edward.

And not a single word from you.

Your parents are telling me I'll probably hear from you soon, but every day that passes where you don't contact me is like a knife in my heart.

Jack has become a good friend.

He helps me.

He understands.

He doesn't judge.

And most importantly…he numbs me enough to take the pain away.

I got a letter in the mail today from my job.

I haven't been in to work in a while.

I thought I had called in to schedule the time off, but I must have forgotten.

The letter was a termination letter.

Looks like I'm out of a job now.

But what does that matter when I've already lost what was most important to me?

I crack the seal on my new bottle and pour some in a glass.

I take a sip…and then another…and then another…

Then…I refill the glass…until the bottle is empty.


	47. Chapter 47

My parents are angry.

They're yelling at me.

I just want them to shut up.

Is this what I sounded like all those times I yelled at you, Edward?

I try to tune them out.

I take another swig out the bottle.

My dad grabs it from me and pours its contents down the kitchen sink.

It doesn't matter really…I have a few more bottles stocked away upstairs in my closet.

I bought a few in bulk since I was going through them so fast.

It's amazing the things you can buy in mass quantity at Costco.

My mother is crying…I'm not sure why since it wasn't her husband who left without a trace.

Edward's parents told me he's getting help…but why can't I be involved?

Why can't I be the one who helps him?

Why hasn't he let me know himself that he's getting help?

Mom and Dad are still yelling at me.

Saying things about me being codependent and weak and how I need to learn how to be self-sufficient.

I just want them to shut up and leave me alone.

I snap and scream at them.

Tell them they can't dictate to me how I should be living my life.

That I'm an adult and can make my own decisions about what's best for me.

They give me an ultimatum…to either get help or to not contact them again because they refuse to watch me waste away my life.

I tell them to get the hell out of my house.

Finally I'm alone again…which isn't want I really wanted at all.

I want my husband home with me, in my arms.

I want us to be working on starting a family together.

I want things that at this point, seem like they will never happen because I threw it all away when I kicked him out the door.

I just need my brain to shut off for a while, to just let me be.

I crack the seal on my new bottle and decide I don't need the glass.

I take a pull from the bottle…and then another…and then another…

Then…I open another bottle.


	48. Chapter 48

It's been six months.

You still haven't come home.

My parents don't talk to me anymore.

Your parents keep trying to get me help.

The only help I want is you…or Jack since he's the one who's here right now.

You've tried calling, but every time you have I've either been out picking Jack up from the store or passed out.

Your voice on the answering machine is like a ghost, tormenting me with what I want but can't have.

You've said you're getting better.

That you don't drink anymore.

That you're seeing a therapist and are getting set up with one close to home so you can come back to me if I'll allow you too.

But you haven't come home yet and I need you here now.

I've tried calling you but most of the time my vision is too blurry to see the numbers on the phone right, so I never seem to dial the right one.

All I want is to hear your voice…to see you walk through the door.

Please Edward…I need you to come back to me.

The memories are getting too hard to bear anymore.

I just need my brain to shut off for a while, to just let me be.

I dig through the empty bottles on the floor until I find an unopened one.

I crack the seal.

I take a pull from the bottle…and then another…and then another…

Then…I open another bottle.


	49. Chapter 49

I don't know what day it is anymore.

Everything just blurs together.

The house is a mess…it looks a lot like it did the day we fought and I fell down the stairs.

I have to step around all the empty bottles so I don't trip.

The answering machine had a new message from you.

You were telling me the date you were coming home.

But the machine cut off before you said the date.

When are you coming home Edward?

Can't you tell how much I need you here?

Don't you care about me anymore?

Maybe I should try to get the house cleaned up.

The problem is I don't have the energy to care.

I don't have the energy to wait for you anymore Edward…all this waiting just hurts too much.

I head up to my room and lay down in my bed.

This used to be  _our_  room Edward, this used to be  _our_  bed.

I hold on to the last thing you ever gave me before you left…the note.

The words are faded and runny from my tears that have landed on the page.

The paper is torn and wrinkled from being handled so often.

But this paper, this note…it's the last shred of proof I have that shows that you love me…or at least that you used to.

I just need my brain to shut off for a while, to just let me be.

I dig through the empty bottles on the floor until I find an unopened one.

I crack the seal.

I take a pull from the bottle…and then another…and then another…

Then…I open another bottle, and then another…

Soon…everything fades to black.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter marks the switch back to Edward's POV, which the remainder of the story will be told in.

I've been sober now for three months.

My therapist has been working with me a lot too.

The memories are still there, but not all the time.

I'm starting to learn how to keep my emotions in check, and techniques for calming myself down when I feel things spinning out of control.

Techniques that don't include Jack.

Who would have thought I'd ever be into yoga and tai chi.

It helps.

In group therapy I'm working on accepting that the things that happened to me weren't my fault.

I'm not totally there yet, but I'm working hard.

Mom, Carlisle and I are working hard on repairing our relationships too.

They even came for the family program.

According to my treatment plan I'm almost ready to start working on things with Bella.

I'll have to call her soon.

I hope she's doing okay.

I hope she's willing to give me another chance.

But above all…I just hope she's happy.


	51. Chapter 51

Today's an important day.

I've been working on being ready for today with my therapist.

It's my uncle's parole hearing.

As the victim, I have the right to speak.

At first I didn't think I would be ready, or able to handle this.

But then in group we talked about taking back the power, taking back control over my life.

That's when I realized I needed to do this, face my demon head on so I can really work on moving past it all.

Mom and Carlisle have come with me for support.

They had hoped I'd go home with them after today, but I know I'm not ready to leave treatment just yet.

There is still more work to do.

They were disappointed, but said they understand.

Suddenly they call my name and it's my turn to speak.

Nervously, I step up to the podium and talk.

I tell the parole board about everything my uncle did to me.

I tell them how he made me feel used, and dirty, and unworthy of ever being loved.

I tell them how what my uncle did nearly destroyed my life and has probably destroyed my marriage.

And finally, I look my uncle right in the eye and tell him how he never loved me.

That if he loved me he never would have hurt me…that what he did to me was wrong.

Afterwards I sit down and use one of my breathing techniques to try to calm down.

An hour later the parole board comes back with a decision.

I feel like I'm ready to vomit, and if I didn't know better I'd be drowning myself in a bottle of Jack right now.

But I know better…I know the alcohol isn't the answer.

As the parole board reads their decision aloud, I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my chest, the words "Parole Denied" echoing in my head.


	52. Chapter 52

I've tried calling you a couple times, but you never answer.

Is it because you're busy with work?

Or is it because you've found someone else, and you're out finally living the life you deserve, the one I couldn't give you when you were Mrs. Bella Masen

It kills me to know that you may have moved on, but I know that I have to own responsibility for my actions, and the consequences of them, and that losing you very well may be one of those consequences.

I just don't understand why you haven't even at least returned one of my calls.

At least if you did…then I would know where we stood.

I would know if there was still a chance for us.

I never received any sort of paperwork in terms of a legal separation or a divorce, so I'm trying to take that as a good sign.

I hope to hear your voice again soon.

I hope to see you again soon.

So I can tell you how sorry I am.

So I can tell you that I accept my part of the blame in everything that went wrong between us.

So I can tell you that I love you…and that I always will.


	53. Chapter 53

I've been in rehab for almost six months.

I finally feel like I can stand on my own two feet again.

Now I have just a few more weeks until I get to go home.

I'm using the time to make sure things are all set up for me once I leave this place.

Carlisle helped me with finding a job in his company.

Mom said I can live with them if things don't work out with Bella until I get back on my feet.

I'm thankful for them both.

They don't make me feel like I'm accepting a handout, and I know I wouldn't have made it this far without their support.

My therapist here is helping me find someone close to home that I'm comfortable with that I can start seeing on a regular basis, someone who, if Bella and I try to get back together, can help us work through our issues together.

We both know I'm not ready to end therapy completely yet, and I may never be.

It's taken me a while, but I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with asking for help when I need it.

I'm okay because I know I'm finally becoming the man Bella always deserved, the mad she had always hoped I'd be.

Even if she wants nothing to do with me, at least I can say that I tried.

I still haven't been able to get ahold of Bella.

I've asked my parents about it, but they say she's been busy and is hard to get in touch with sometimes.

They also keep reminding me that no matter what happens with Bella, that I need to focus on doing what's best for me.

I know they are just trying to keep me grounded, but sometimes the way they talk about Bella is odd, as if they're hiding something from me.

Then again, it could all just be me and my nerves about going home kicking in.

Either way, nothing could be worse than what I've already been through.


	54. Chapter 54

Today's the day.

I'm leaving rehab and starting my life fresh.

I called Bella yesterday…but got the machine again.

I told her how much I loved her, how much I missed her, and that I'd be coming home today.

I can barely contain my excitement as Mom and Carlisle help me load my stuff in the trunk and we head home.

I feel good, like I'm ready to get back out into the world.

I'm nervous too though, because the first place I'm going is to see Bella.

I hope she'll let me speak to her.

I hope she'll give me another chance.

After what feels like forever, we finally arrive at our destination.

It's surreal how from the outside the house looks exactly the same.

Any person passing by would never have a clue about how much had happened in that house.

I walk up to the front door and use the spare key my parents had to unlock the door.

With a shaky hand, I turn the knob and walk inside.


	55. Chapter 55

Time freezes as I walk through the front door.

I feel like I was thrown back in time.

The house is a wreck and looks like how I would have left if back when I was still drinking.

"Bella?" I call out, uncertainty creeping into my voice.

There are dozens of empty bottles of Jack all over the floor.

I hear my parents walk up behind me and turn around and look at them in a search for answers.

"I'm so sorry son…" my mother trails off.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I growl out.

"We…we were so afraid of how you'd react, and then…well, we thought maybe if Bella saw you sober…it would help her want to get back on track," my mother mumbles between her tears.

"You should have told me," I semi-shout as I move further into the house as I look for Bella.

After checking the first floor, I head upstairs to look for her.

Opening the bedroom door my heart completely stops.

My wife…my beautiful Bella…is there lying on the bed.

I can see the note clutched in her one hand, a half empty bottle in the other.

Carlisle races to check her pulse and start CPR as Mom calls 911, but I already know.

I can tell that she's already gone.

I can tell that she ended up like this because of me.

And I can tell that if I had my way right now, I'd be prying that half empty bottle from her hands and chugging it until it's empty.


	56. Chapter 56

I stare at the hole in the ground that's next to your casket.

You have no idea how badly I want to jump in there with you.

How badly I want the ground to just swallow me whole.

Mom's been making sure I've gone to an AA meeting every day since we found you.

She's afraid I'm going to fall off the wagon.

To me it wouldn't matter anymore if I did.

I did all of this for you.

I got better for you.

I wanted to become the man I always should have been for you.

You were always so strong, why couldn't you keep your strength up just a little bit longer?

We could have gotten through it together.

We could have started the family you always wanted.

It would have been amazing…you would have been a wonderful mother.

And now it's not even an option.

I know it's because of me.

Because of my choices.

In rehab we were taught to accept the consequences of our actions, but I can't accept this.

Everything I did these past six months…everything I worked for…was for nothing.


	57. Chapter 57

My parents didn't argue when I told them I wanted to stay at the house.

They had their concerns, but understood why I needed to stay there.

I feel like a robot these days.

At least until I get home.

I get up, go to work, go to AA or my therapist depending on the day, and go home.

It's when I'm at the house that I can finally let go.

For a week, I spent my nights crying until the sun came up.

Eventually I had no more tears left.

Every time I drive past a liquor store it's like I'm being taunted.

I know I'd be able to find comfort there.

I went inside one yesterday and walked around.

I left without buying anything.

I went back today though, and picked up my old friend again.

I've been staring at the bottle for an hour now.

Trying to figure out what to do.

I know I should be calling my sponsor right now, or going to a meeting.

But that's what I would have done before when I had something to make life worth living.

Now…it's as if losing Bella has thrown me back down into all of the old wounds I thought I had closed.

Now…it doesn't matter if I drink myself into oblivion.

I crack the seal and pour some in a glass.

I make a promise to myself that I'll only have the one glass.

I take a sip, relishing the familiar burn as the amber liquid slides down my throat and warms my belly.

And then I take another sip…and then another…

Then…I refill the glass.


	58. Chapter 58

It's been three months since I came home and found that you had gone.

Three months since I got off the wagon and kicked my sobriety to the curb.

I've tried my best to keep it hidden, but Carlisle is good at noticing things.

He hasn't said anything yet though.

I need a break from all of the pretending.

It gets weary after a while when you have to pretend that you're doing okay and coping and dealing with the fact that your wife drank herself to death because of you.

So I'm looking forward to the three day weekend that starts when I get off of work today.

I'm all ready for it.

I picked up Jack already so I don't have to worry about running out to get him once I'm home.

I just need this one weekend to let go and forget everything.

Maybe then things will get better.

Finally the day ends, and I'm back home in my bed.

Finally I can try and get my brain to just shut off for a while and stop reminding me how fucked up my life has been.

I crack the seal on a new bottle and pour some in a glass.

I make a promise to myself that I'll only have half the bottle tonight.

I take a sip, and then another…and then another…

Then…I finish the whole bottle.


	59. Chapter 59

You've been gone for six months now.

It's been a year since I started down the path that would lead me to losing the one good thing in my life.

I don't know what day it is anymore.

Everything just blurs together.

Mom and Carlisle have given up on me.

Once they found out I was drinking again, Carlisle fired me and Mom stopped speaking to me because she said she couldn't bear to watch me slowly kill myself.

The house is a mess…it looks a lot like it did the day I came home and found you in the bedroom.

I have to step around all the empty bottles so I don't trip.

I really should care that my family has given up on me.

I should care that I threw away my second chance at having a decent life.

The problem is I don't have the energy to care.

I don't have the energy to go on without you anymore Bella…all I want is you to be here with me, and I know that can't happen.

I head up to my room and lay down in my bed.

This used to be  _our_  room Bella, this used to be  _our_  bed.

I pick up the picture of you from our wedding day.

You're looking at me in the picture.

You seem so happy there…so carefree…so unaware of what our life was going to become.

It's my favorite picture of you…it's the last shred of proof I have that shows that you and I were happy once and that you loved me…or at least that you did at one point.

I just need my brain to shut off for a while, to just let me be.

I dig through the empty bottles on the floor until I find an unopened one.

I crack the seal.

I take a pull from the bottle…and then another…and then another…

Then…I open another bottle, and then another…

Soon…everything fades to black.


	60. Chapter 60

It's foggy and hard to see where I'm walking.

My feet are bare and I can feel the dampness of the ground beneath my feet, the grass tickling my toes.

As the fog clears, I can see I'm walking in a meadow.

It's beautiful.

Blue and purple wildflowers growing everywhere, but what makes it really beautiful is the fact that you're here, walking towards me

We meet in the middle, embracing each other in a hug as I pepper your face with kisses.

I don't know if I'm dreaming or hallucinating because I know I can't really be here with you, but in this moment I couldn't really care.

"You're not dreaming," you tell me, already knowing what I'm thinking. "All actions have consequences. This is the consequence of your last action."

I try hard to think back to the last thing I did, but everything is blurry in my mind.

I vaguely remember being in my room, and the bottles of Jack that I was pouring down my throat.

I realize then what you mean by consequences, and while I'm sure on some level I should be upset about dying, it doesn't really matter because I have you back.

Looking at you, I can see just how happy and healthy you look…just the way you looked the day we were married…you look absolutely perfect.

It's then I realize that all the darkness that I carried in my soul…all the pain, and hurt, and anger is gone.

For the first time in a long time I feel free and genuinely happy.

The last time I remember feeling like this…I was eleven years old.

You take me by the hand, leading me to our "final destination" as you call it.

You tell me it's our place where we can just be…where we can live the life we should have had on earth together.

I more than willingly follow you towards what looks just like our old house.

I stop you as you open the door and pick you up in my arms and carry you over the threshold.

"I love you Bella," I tell you.

"I love you too," you reply, your voice full of emotion.

Once inside, I place you back on your feet.

I shut the door, closing out everything from our past and together, we take our first steps forward into our future.

A future where I don't need Jack to get through the day because I already have everything I could ever want or need…because I already have you…


End file.
